But God...you promised!

Rest in His plan.  "For my ways are not your ways, declaires the Lord"
And Rest assured...He has a plan.  "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future."  But so often-we do not rest.  We do not trust.  We rush ahead.  We plot.  scheme.  manipulate.   trying to force his promise into life. Like Moses, who murdered someone after being called to set his people free.  Or Abraham who slept with his wifes concubine-both trying to fulfill their own "promises"  by human reason.  We become impatient  and try to claim our promise by our own strength.
But God loves us too much to allow us to be our own saviors.  I heard it said this past weekend that when God does finally move (and I say finally  because we are so impatient) that our lives will resemble a turtle on a fence post.  That it will be obvious that we did not place ourselves in this mystical place where only the beautiful hand of God could.
So... we must stop striving.  Stop trying to complete His will for our lives, and REST in the promise that He who has begun a good work in us will complete what he has begun.  And walk in obedience...one slow and obedient step at a time.  Even if it feels as if we are wandering a desert and the steps do not make sense to us...All we have to know is our next step.  ONE BEAUTIFUL OBEDIENT STEP at a time.  And when we have done all that he has ask, then he will fulfill his promise to us.

hurting?

there are so many people hurting today in my little world.  people i know that have had family members affected by the Joplin tornadoes and others who have lost more than I dare imagine-a child.  Lord have mercy. 

In the face of such tragedy a reverent silence-full of emotion fills my soul.  what do you say? 

BE NEAR SWEET JESUS.  BE NEAR. 

be near those who are in shock because their world came crashing down around them while they sat in bathtubs, basements, and under furniture and watched as their community and homes were swept away.

be near the Blevins and Wagoner families who have lost soo much.  Paid the ultimate price for freedom, by sacrificing their son.  Just as you did dear Lord.  BE THEIR COMFORT.  all I can think is...
Jesus.  Jesus.  Jesus. 

our hope.  our salvation.  our lives.  all come from you.  So again I pray...
OH SWEET JESUS BE NEAR.  aw

What is REST?

REST. 
1.the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep: a good night's rest. (uhmm.....)

2. refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor: to allow an hour for rest. (yea...)
3. relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs. (thank you Jesus...)
4. a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquillity: to go away for a rest. (sounds wonderful)
5. mental or spiritual calm; tranquillity. (how I crave this...and finally...)
6. the repose of death: eternal rest.
 
Do you feel like you get enough rest?  me either.  and when i do take time to rest i often feel guilty about it.  Especially when I am afraid that I may be hurting another by not being available to them as much as they would like for me to be.  But I cannot be everything to everybody.  And some people want more from me than I can possibly give.  and that is hard when it is people you love.   but i have begun to realize that if i do not have rest (in whatever form i feel i need it) then i am not being the best i can at other times.  we must come to Him for rest -whether it is sleep, or times of reflection in the word, or a good book, or exercising, or gardening, rest is very necessary.  not zoning out (that is different)  it doesn't not restore, it steals.  zoning out has no benefits.  rest does.  it revives, it doesn't drain our emotional, or spiritual buckets.  like eating too much food while parked on the couch watching something that we will feel guilty about later.  not that a good movie can't be rest at times.  I guess the difference to me is where your thoughts are during this time of inactivity.  And if I stuff with chocolate while I am vegging out (which I have been known to do) when the guilt comes it is definitely not restful.
 
Isaiah 30:15 "This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says, In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength but you would have none of it.

But why do we resist rest if we crave it soo much?   i don't want to merely exist.  I want to LIVE! for my Jesus and for my family and for my calling. everyday. consistently.  but it is soo hard. especially when we try to do it from our own strength, without taking time for rest. 
 
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"
 
And I want to know and learn more about this rest, and if the Sabbath rest should still apply to us today.  my gut says yes.  since in Hebrews 4 (the new testament) it encourages us to keep the Sabbath.  but it is so hard.   to squeeze everything and everyone into our overly scheduled lives.  we usually use Sunday or Saturday as a day to get the stuff done that we need to get done, between jobs and sport schedules, and those that we love.  I would love to hear your thoughts about this one.
 
Hebrews 4:11  "Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same [2 Pet 2:6] example of [Heb 3:18; 4:6] disobedience.


Don't get me wrong, relationships are so important.  I believe that they are the most important part of living.  What else can we take with us into eternity but our relationships, with God and others. 
But let us make sure that we are making time for the most important relationship, our relationship with Him.  His is the only relationship that offers rest.  I love spending time with my family and friends and church family but these relationships can be taxing at times.  Let us make sure we are going to Him to be restored.  for REST.

After Stillness Comes...The Beautiful-Stir.

The last few weeks a stillness has overtaken me.  A quietness of spirit.  Somewhere in the dark recesses of my soul change was emerging.  A gentle knowing was beginning to fill the weary dessert places hidden below the surface of the deep.  Where once pain and fear ruled, now peace was emerging...ever so quietly. gently. the stir began. 


At first I did not perceive it, once perceived~still unrecognizable.  There was a new presence in my spirit that had never been there before, but once recognized...embraced.   A simple agreement had been made with my Creator somewhere in my subconscious that is nothing short of transforming.  An agreement~ to believe who Christ says that I am.  And to believe for the first time in my life that having a feminine heart is just as God said it was in Genesis 1:31  Very Good. To cast off all the pain that being a woman- in this sin filled world can bring and STOP believing all the lies from Satan- that being a woman is nothing short of a curse.

Sweet Sister Do you believe that?  I urge you dear friend to consider...what it is in us (as women) that uniquely reflects the divine. As women we offer to humanity the one thing Satan hates most...Our beauty. not only in our physical being but in everything we touch.  The beauty of a house made a home.  The beauty of a flower garden loved into being.  The beauty of a soft caress and gentle tear.  The beauty of offering comfort to loved ones through meals prepared, dishes done, and laundry washed.   THE BEAUTY OF LIFE GIVEN. Oh dear ones...  
Today, I pray from the depths of my being that somewhere within your soul you will find the grace to embrace all that is beautiful about being created woman and to believe that it is not a curse but God's crowning creation to be made FEMALE.  TO REVEL IN THE THRILL OF TRANSFORMING YOUR WORLD INTO WHAT ONLY YOU AND YOUR FEMININE HEART CAN MAKE IT...BEAUTIFUL.
Love & Prayers to you today as I CHOOSE to honor my creator by saying to Him YES LORD!  I AM BEAUTIFUL.  AND SO ARE YOU!   aw

no wasted words...just being.

a season of silence has overtaken my heart.
no words flowing. just stillness....
Quiet stillness~rest falls.
a moment...
these precious moments. 
fleeting as they are, become a life song...
may mine sing but one. 
HOLY HOLY HOLY is the Lamb
that was. and is. and is to come.

He loves me anyway....it's like NOTHIN' in life that I've ever known.

On the surface...Things feel so out of control right now.  Building up.  too much of everything pressing in on me.  Too much laundry, too much messiness, too much to do on our house, too many unexpected bills, and add in our laptop being stolen and it would be so easy to just shut down.  I feel so COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED!  But deep inside below the storms that are raging from every direction, there is peace.  I am tempted to allow the winds and waves to RIP me to shreds, but praise Jesus...the anchor holds.

I pray that whoever stole our laptop returns it.  But even more I pray that they will find the Sidewalk Prophets CD in the pocket that I just purchased at winterjam 2 days ago.  That they will listen to it and feel God's love and turn from their sin.  My favorite song from that CD says..." I am the thorn on your brow, but you love me anyway, I am Judas's kiss.  But you love me anyway, I am the nail in your wrist, but you love me anyway..."  And this song has played relentlessly through my head since last night.

I had been praying lately that God would show me exactly how he feels about me.  I believe this song is part of his message to me.  And today I felt God's love through my husband's loving response to my tears. There was no anger, no condemnation, just love.  And after being up all night he went with me to add info to the police report and close all accounts and change info at the bank.  And in spite of the mess that my carelessness made.  He loves me anyway.  in spite of my messiness.  in spite of my forgetfulness.  And today when he looked at me with love in his eyes I swear I felt Jesus in his eyes searching me and loving and accepting me in my brokenness saying, " See Alyssa.   I LOVE YOU ANYWAY.  You do not have to be perfect for me.  I love you.  not for who you are or what you have done but simply because you are."
And that is enough.  Praying we will all begin to realize how precious we are to our creator.  every moment of every day.  Until next time....ABIDE. 

Tonight is the night...

Do you ever feel conflicted?  Man I do. and lately it has been MOST OF THE TIME.  I want to be a blessing but I am weak.  I want to walk with the Lord but at times my heart simply will NOT.  Apathy and frustration glaze over the hope trying so hard to rise from my hardened heart.  I wander in the desert, wasting my time.  I stuff my feelings because life is hard.  I get tired of feeling~ I just want to be numb.  I have totally blown it in regard to all that I learned from the book Made to Crave.  I am so disappointed, and frustrated.  HOW DID I GET HERE?  I played with fire and I am still being burned.
But there is no life here in the desert of my wandering.  An Israelite in search of the Promised Land I try to get there without following him.  I wander~demanding the food I crave, putting God to the test...I have been eating food all day every day, with no real pleasure. sugar, chocolate, diet coke. all with  No satisfaction.  Like a drug addict in search of the fix that NEVER comes.  I eat.  And I hear you whispering Lord, "Are you satisfied now?  Did that work?  Have you had enough of those empty promises yet.  How long does this have to go on.  You know where to find what you are looking for.  In me alone.  Trying to fill yourself with anything else is going to leave you EMPTY. wanting more."  And yet....I eat it anyway.  And even before I swallow I feel the yearning...for more.  It just doesn't work trying to fill a spiritual hunger with a physical food.  I know what you want.  My time.  My gaze.  My heart.
And yet knowing is not enough.  Even the demons KNOW the truth.  who you are.  But they refused to allow you to be LORD.  They bowed to another.  As do I so much more often that I ever care to admit.  But praise you Jesus for never giving up on me.  for pursuing my adulterous heart.  for choosing me in spite of my sin.  I want to be dead to self and alive in you.  and yet the flesh so often wins.  But tonight Lord.  I enter into your rest.  I allow myself the time to feel the hurts, and spend time with you.  The only thing that truly satisfies.  Teach my weary heart to follow you, NO MATTER THE COST.  Help me to NEVER. EVER.. BE SATISFIED. WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN YOU.  For you ALONE are life.  Tonight, I take the time to be YOURS.  And who knows...maybe just maybe I'll find exactly what I have been looking for.  The desire to begin again.  My "WANT TO". 

Moments.

Tonight I am THANKFUL Lord. 
For dirty dishes in the sink that proves my family is not hungry.
For children who cleaned the house while I fixed supper.
For the hot shower that soothed me to the core.
For the jog that purged all my anxiety as I sang and worshipped while I ran.
For hair to braid on my baby girl. For a husband who left for work when  the kids were going to bed.  And who will be at work until I am ready for lunch tomorrow. 
For moments.  With those I love. With You now.  I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I am fully alive.  In this moment.  Help me Lord to keep these eyes wide open.  to embrace each moment as a gift.  even the laundry.  that I promised my girl I would do before going to bed tonight so that she could wear the "matching outfit" of her best friend.  Thank You Lord Jesus.  Amen.

SHE SPEAKS!!!!!!

"She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue."  Proverbs 31:26

Those of you who follow my blog know that I have felt the Lord leading me towards women's ministry for a while now.  If you are in my Small Group you know it has been a journey that I have been VERY reluctant to take.  But God is faithful.  And thankfully ~extremely patient.  So I have decided to begin this journey into the unknown with a LEAP OF FAITH.  No better way to start than by DIVING IN!  Right? And I think the best way to explain this "LEAP" is to copy a letter provided by Proverbs 31 Ministries.   The following is an exerpt from that letter.  Explaining the "She Speaks" conference that I... registered for today!!!!!

The She Speaks Conference is a life-changing conference for women seeking to step out in the passion God has placed on their heart. Hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries (501(c)3), She Speaks encourages and equips women to make the most of their messages, communicating God's Word.  There are three different tracks that a woman may choose from.  I chose the following: 




She Leads: (Women's Ministry Track) This track is specifically designed for women's ministry directors and facilitators. Included are creative ways to reach her community with the life-transforming hope of Jesus,organize small groups, select a team of volunteers, plan successful events, and network with other directors.


The Lord has laid it on my heart to attend She Speaks in July 2011. My first step is to raise funds. Will you prayfully consider partnering with me through a financial contribution towards a scholarship?


As you feel led to join me in this exciting call, there are two ways to participate. Call Proverbs 31 Ministries at 877-731-4663 to contribute by credit card; or send a check payable to Proverbs 31 Ministries to:

 Proverbs 31 Ministries


She Speaks Scholarship/Your name {i.e. scholarship recipient}


616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road


Matthews, NC 28105


Please be sure to designate the scholarship in my name in order to credit my scholarship fund. You will be receipted for your tax-deductible donation. For more information: http://www.shespeaksconference.com/.


Thank you for your prayers and support. All registration dues must be paid in full by June 1, 2011.
 
And so there it is.  If you feel led to help me get to North Carolina in July, I would greatly appreciate it.  If you feel led to pray.  PLEASE DO!  Thanks to everyone who has been such an encouragement to me.  I can't wait to see what GOD is going to do through this-jar of clay,  By his Spirit. and through his people.  I am praying that God will move in the women of GCC and that we will grow in relationship with him and each other in the very near future.http://shespeaksconference.com/

She is On a ROLL!!!!!

Yesterday I dropped two wooden T.V. trays on my feet and hurt them both.  One of them is just bruised on top.  The other one feels like I may have injured my BIG TOE a little more seriously.  I cried because it hurt so bad..  But I am sure that it probably would have looked funny if anyone had seen it.  Today I was rushing to get cleaned up after baking and decorating my daughters "Jesse" birthday cake and sprayed LYSOL on my hair.  Don't judge...the cans look very similar.  But I have also been on a roll in another way lately...I have been doing terrible with my eating.  TERRIBLE.  I am going to have to go through sugar with drawls AGAIN after this week.  I let the storm of stress, emotions, and hormones get the best of me.  WHERE IS MY VICTORY NOW????  Well, I know it is still where it always was, in Jesus alone.  I just have to go and get it.  SOON!  While I am at it I might need to pick up some more hairspray.  We are out.  Now just to make the time~for both.  In the mean time, I'll be the one walking funny, shoveling food she is NOT hungry for into her mouth, all the while with Lysol on my hair.  (sigh)  On a more positive Note...Happy Birthday Grace.  You are 11 now, and I love you soo much.

without a potter, clay is just dirt.

why do I try to carry these burdens alone.  why do I fight.  and struggle to make my heart your home.  Is it supposed to be this hard?  As much as I hate to admit it sometimes it is.  I need space to breathe in your spirit and my schedule. my heart. won't permit it.  And sometimes when I sit in your presence my thoughts are fragmented and chaotic.  Calm the Storm inside my mind.  Fill my heart with joy divine.  The flesh and the spirit are at war.  And there are battles that I lose. DAILY!  But praise God I know I have the VICTORY.  Today I feel tired.  anxious.  overwhelmed.  Trying to carry burdens that are too much for me.  ALONE.  I need you Jesus to shine into this darkness and open up my heart.  For your yoke is easy and your burden is light.

But this much I have learned.  That first the cup of my soul must be emptied, poured out.  ALL OF IT!  I often pray.  "Take all of it Lord.  I don't want it anymore.  It is too hard.  It hurts too much."  and though painful.  The surrender of control.  of feelings.  Peace follows.   Sometimes the joy just flows, other times I am stuck between what I want and who I am.  Today i needed to let go.  OVERWHELM ME WITH YOUR GRACE> IN THE FACE OF MY INADEQUACY... without the potter clay is just dirt.  Fill this vessel of clay with the inexpressible joy of the great gift of God. 

There is A Monster at the End of This Book...

Lately I have felt alot like Grover, in that little book that I loved so much growing up.  I have been trying for days to figure out exactly what is going on.  Something is amiss. not quite right.    off~ spare me the joking please.  I know it is tempting but I am serious here.  And I guess the problem is I just feel kinda well-stuck. fearful.  even in a bit of a panic- just like my furry blue friend.  And I think that I am beginning to understand (at least in part) why.  This is HARD.  REALLY HARD.  But I pray by sharing that maybe it will help you in your walk, and also help me to process and continue reaching. 

So here are the symptoms of my state of being lately.  From the four areas that make up who we are as humans.

Emotionally: bored. afraid. tired of trying, apathetic, afraid, insecure, just tired of striving. other times extremely Fearful and afraid.  In short alot like GROVER.
Spiritually:  flat and somehow disconnected.  distracted. lazy and maybe even rebellious.  I DON'T WANT TO GOD!
Physically:  compromised.  Not challenged physically-NOT EXERCISING.  And also have eaten foods out of boredom (not unhealthy foods just eating for the wrong reasons).  And after reading "Made to Crave"  I know better.  CRAVE GOD-NOT FOOD.  I know this may sound crazy but at times I can't decided if I am bored with my new found freedom from food, or if I am lying to myself and flirting with the enemy.  And what I mean by that, is this.  I have began to allow myself a few things that in the past were huge triggers for me. like I had some chocolate, and I have had two diet soda's over the last week. A dessert here and there.  And even though I enjoyed them it just wasn't the same.  So am I free, or am I flirting with disaster.  QUESTIONS.  QUESTIONS.
And lastly...
Mentally:  CONFUSED.

But I believe that I may have had a bit of a break through. 
Yesterday. 
I DID NOT WANT TO EXERCISE.  AT. ALL!  But I just kept feeling like God was whispering to me, "DO IT! MOVE!"  Now this is very different from the past when my motivation was to weigh 120 lbs and fit into those tiny jeans in the VERY back of my closet.  This was more about BREAKING FREE. . . from all those emotions and the walls that seem to be surrounding me.  and OBEDIENCE.  And the interesting part is that after 25 minutes of very difficult exercise I felt so much...STRONGER.  and not just physically.  MORE ALIVE. MORE FREE.  In every area of my being.  Funny how obedience works.  Now, I know that our bodies are the temples of God.  That they are complex and that all aspects of our being are tightly woven.  our physical state effects our mental state, effects or emotional, and spiritual state.  And so on.  So moving and exercising-that began to help me ...

Then before I went to bed I felt like I was supposed to do some more reading from a book that a dear friend sent me by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity"  and when I opened it I could feel those soft-sweet- goose bumps that confirm to me that this is "A GOD THING"  I like to call them "Jesus Bumps". 
Now the hard part.  CONFESSION.  Through reading this book I have begun to realize how insecurity has played an enormous role in my life.  MY ENTIRE LIFE.  I have been CRIPPLED BY FEAR (JUST LIKE GROVER), believing LIES, begging God to please DO NOT TURN THAT PAGE...because there is a monster at the end of this book...and my monster of choice is fear of failure.  of being weighed and measured and found lacking.  I have struggled with my value ever since I can remember.  Sometimes doing VERY STUPID AND EMBARRASING THINGS just do try to find approval or cover up my insecurities.  This insecurity has many faces and forms, and sometimes lies dormant and hidden. Other times it gushes out and reveals how broken I really am.  (And dear friends we all have monsters, so I ask what are yours?)

I READ.  And READ. and then...

After praying a prayer in the middle of the book ...and crying, and praying some more...another break through.(and more tears)

The reason that I have been feeling the way that I have lately is because God is asking me to do some pretty big things for Him, that honesty- SCARE ME TO DEATH.  and I have been stalling.  compromising.  and circling around what He has ask of me to the point of disobedience.  Begging Him to please "DO NOT TURN THAT PAGE." And I have to stop.  NOW!  BUT I AM SOO AFRAID.  However.  I know that it is time.  So I am going to do it.  I am going to JUST DO IT.  MOVE. and Give it my best and trust Him to fill in where I lack.  Stop listening to the accuser, and beleiving I am not enough-or somehow too much and trust Him to cover me with strength and dignity.  Pray for me.  I'm DIVIN' IN...
to what you may ask??????? 

hmmmm.  ok.  this is really hard. and scary. and I am struggling to make myself type it out because I fallen flat on my face so many times. and because I struggle. so much. with this issue. of insecurity. (MY INNER GROVER IS TAKING OVER) but here it is. (deep breath)~women's ministry.    Wow.  now I am really scared.  HELP ME JESUS.  I am a mess, but I am your mess.  And you alone make me fully complete.  So I close with...ME?  Loveable furry old GROVER am the monster at the end of this book?  And I can SO relate to Grover~the fear, insecurity over what is coming, the sheer panic over what is on the next page...all to realize in the end that the only thing holding me back from the story that God wants to write with my life is "ME".  The monster at the end of this book.  SWEET MERCY.  I need a chocolate bar!  No, what I really need is to trust you~the author and perfector of my faith.  That what you have started in me you will complete.  

My little ride on the CRAZY BUS.

GRACE like rain is falling down on me, and all my sins are washed away. (Todd Agnew)

First I would like to ask you to bear with me for just a moment while I thank my Jesus for loving me enough to place in my life some very special Christian women who walk beside me and for whom I have the sheer joy of walking alongside in this~ twisting, turning, road of life.  I been thinking about this today.  The analogy of the Christian life Being like a road.  I've been thinking about the twisting. the winding. and how hard. and scary. it can be- and it made me think of Costa Rica~ and my ride on the "CRAZY BUS." 

In July of 2009 I went on my first (and only) mission trip to Costa Rica, and I loved it.  FRIENDS let me tell you that there is NO ROOM for exaggeration when describing how close to death I believed we were- many times that night on the long bus ride to La Cruz.  The driver was standing. while he drove. listening to LOUD Latin Music with a DRIVING beat, the rain was pouring down during part of the ride, there were obstacles like COWS, and motorcycles without headlights, and even a huge truck coming straight at us in the opposite direction as we passed other vehicles on a road alot like ST RTE 353 or 763.  Winding, hilly, narrow...in short ****scary, at about 60-75 mph full speed ahead.  And in case you forgot I'll say it again -ON A BUS!  We North Americans were gasping, sitting up in our seats, totally in disbelief, thinking it would have been a great ride at King's Island (if we had known we were safe) while the locals were completely unimpressed.  I remember looking at the Tico (local) that I was crammed in a seat with and saying VERY LOUDLY (above the loud Latin music) "LOCO!!!!!"  to which he responded (in English) "NO SWEAT!"  how ironic.   I will never forget that ride.  And even decided that one has not truly lived until they have ridden on a public bus  in Costa Rica...it was one of those times in life that I have learned to call "AN EXPERIENCE."

I mention this because at times the Christian Life can seem alot like that bus ride.  UNPREDICTABLE.  SCARY.  EVEN DOWN RIGHT WILD.  death & doom seem probable.  Quite the "EXPERIENCE" But we have to remember...our CRAZY BUS is not driven by a STANDING, 20 yr old Latin Boy who seems to have a death wish. 

Our bus is driven by the GOD of the Universe.  So no matter how crazy it may seem.  How close to death we may appear to come.  He holds us in the palm of his hand. 

So...dear Christian brother and sister hang on....the Road of Life is narrow, and winding,  It is NEVER BORING.  It is hard and unpredictable.  Danger looms at every turn.  But I wouldn't trade my ride on the CRAZY BUS for anything.  And I hope that you won't either.   And if we can just relax.  just trust.  Maybe we can safely arrive at our destination saying, "No Sweat."  too. 

Hang on it is going to be a wild ride.   aw

I have been unfaithful.

Every time I think I KNOW, something happens ~then DOUBT.
One day I am on top of the world, the next I sit and POUT. 
I am NOT who I want to be.  Everything inside me ACHES to be MORE.
TELL ME JESUS, WHAT I AM CREATED FOR?!?!?!

Who am I that you are mindful of me?  What? can this. small. self centered. speck of time. and dust. offer an infinite and HOLY GOD!!!! AND WHY?  Is dying to self such a moment by moment endeavor?  And how- many- times- do I have to repeat lessons until I finally learn from them? 

I ACHE FOR YOU JESUS.  THE LOVER OF MY SOUL.  MY SOUL PANTS FOR YOU, ALL THE WHILE ...I RUN AWAY.  The flesh and the spirit are perpetually at war.  But I know what it feels like to WALK IN YOUR PRESENCE.  TO FEEL THE WARMING CHILL FLOW THROUGH ME AS YOU FILL ME WITH YOUR SPIRIT.  AND NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD WILL DO. 
BUT YOU.  then-
I mess up.  I get lazy.  I get scared.  I fall down.  i take my eyes off you. and what seemed a promise becomes impossible. wait a minute Alyssa...PAUSE.  listen.  TRUTH SPEAKS...apart from ME you can do nothing. 
Sweet Lord,  I do not want to do anything apart from you.  teach me how to walk with you every. second. of every. day.  YOUR LOVE IS A CONSUMING FIRE THAT I WANT TO ENGULF ME UNTIL ALL THAT IS LEFT IS YOU. 

My ways are not your ways.  I am like an ant, busily going about the things of life, unable to even begin to comprehend who you are.  MY SWEET SAVIOR.  who was -and is- and is to come.  Help me to TRUST you and hear you above the static of this world.  above THE LIES OF THE deceiver...whispered soft and sweet.  promising such seductive-ETERNAL DEATH. 

I love you Lord, you have taken me in.  Everything I am is yours, and in the moments that my flesh denies me the ecstasy of your peace, and I deny you instead of myself...pursue me, as you have all of my life.  Until I am safe. 
with you.
 forever.
 in paradise.  

I will love you forever.  Your Unfaithful Bride.

why can't I just leave it alone?

If you know me well you know that my hair style and color changes almost as often as some people change their underwear.  Some styles and colors are more of a success than others.  I often wish that I could just stop the insanity.  But as my mood goes so does my hair, and vice versa.   I fantasize about getting to go to IDENTITY salon and having them pick out the most absolutely perfect color for me and once and for all KNOWING what color I should dye my very very grey hair.  Funny-

another thing that I used to get teased about alot was how often I would change the paint colors in my house.  I have slowed down on that one. ALOT.  too much work.  and time.

But we have been working on Luke's bedroom and it is starting to look pretty good.  After living here almost 5 years we finally are starting to finish putting up the wood trim in the upstairs bedrooms.  And re painting most of them.  I love the smell of a clean freshly painted room.  I love the new beginnings.  How fresh and clean everything feels.  It is therapeutic for me.

Next is the bathrooms and our bedroom.  which ever one Brian isn't sleeping in at the time I am ready to work.  Anyway~I can't wait.   Also found out they are going to be tearing down the terrible eye sore of a bldg that sits basically in our yard (but doesn't belong to us). That can't happen soon enough either.  So I am looking to some much needed face lifts around here and praying for renewal in my heart as well.  Maybe someday soon my husband can get back on a regular shift again and we can feel like a real family again.  Maybe the exhaustion, frustration, and loneliness will soon pass and we can once again start over.  Even though that is what we try to do, everyday.  So.  Here is to new beginnings...whether it's a new hairdo, or an extreme home makeover.  or maybe the best of all, when new life springs forth in our hearts and we dare to dream again.  Until then may we rest in the arms of the only one who never disappoints.  MY JESUS.  What would I do without you.  Prayers to you today and  God Bless.  Alyssa

I Lost My Mother of the Year Award.

ok people. I am just gonna lay it on the line today.  The last 5 days have been-well.  HARD.  hurt feelings, a less than ideal Valentine's day...and puberty age kids are driving me to the edge of sanity.  And this morning I officially LOST the mother of the year award.  NOT PRETTY.  Being late for work two days in a row made me kinda CRAZY.  One of my blessed little angels has an eye infection that requires him to take medicine every 4 hours.  So yesterday I had to sign it in, fill out all the paperwork...blah, blah, blah, and end up being 1o min. late for work.  TODAY, the above mentioned blessing from God was probably wishing that the stork would have dropped him off anywhere but here.  For he~bless his heart~ lost his eye drops.  THAT HE MUST HAVE EVERY 4 hours.  And we were late AGAIN.  The word frustration does not even begin to cover it. And in case you were tempted...I also DO NOT need to reminded that his mother has ADD and would lose her head if it wasn't attached, thank you very much. (sigh)

I tried to redeem myself and apologize before I dropped them off LATE for school, and I did apologize, although they did not seem to impressed with my heart felt attempts at kindness.  When One of my other blessed little angels, in a stroke of genius-decides to take this opportunity to bestow upon his highly irritable mother some words of wisdom. In a tone that I most definitely did not appreciate.  (you know the one that implies that I am an idiot and he knows it all)  "You know mom, when you have a bad attitude it tends to rub off on other people."  Really son? To which I am ashamed to admit that I replied, "Thank You for r your words of wisdom this morning (name omitted to protect the all knowing one).  Maybe someday I will be as wise as you."  And that is the last thing I said to them before they got out of the car.  And all day I have worried that they will be in some sort of accident and I will never see them again and I will have to live with the guilt the rest of my life.  (I can be overly dramatic at times if you hadn't noticed) 

So tonight I must apologize again, for my rude behavior.  My little tantrum.  And also maybe ask God to help my children and I survive adolescence.  AHHHHH!!!!! 

Top 10 things I love About mY HUSBAND...

Top 10 things I love about my HUSBAND:
1.  His hugs & kisses
2.  His honesty AND how he tries to protect my heart.
3.  How intentional he is about teaching our kids not to make the same mistakes he has made.
4.  How he persues my heart when I am hurting.
5.  How much he has grown spiritually in the last year.
6.  How hard he works to provide for his family.
7.  When he warms up the car and scrapes the ice for me in the morning.
8.  How he will fix my tea or coffee for me in the mornings without me asking
9.  How he persues my daughter's heart.
10.  How he loves God and follows Him "No Matter the Cost"

This last year has been a tough one baby.  But through the fire, and up from the ashes we have learned that LOVE truly does CONQUER ALL.  And I wouldn't trade what we have gained for anything.  I look forward to many more Valentines days together.  Love, Alyssa D.

for Jeff, I couldn't resist.

lol.  And only Jeff Hafner will understand that title.  So after posting how VICTORIOUS AND FREE I have been I must confess.  This weekend has been a struggle.  Isn't that just like Satan?  To say, ha! we'll see about that.  It hasn't been all bad though.  I had been fasting from all sugars and carbs that were simple, unless it was honey, or stevia and for the most part that is still what I plan on doing.  Although I have begun to loosen my restrictions a bit.  I did have 2 bites of Brian's Cheesecake at the Valentine Banquet.  But I knew I just could NOT have the chocolate covered strawberries or I may have been covered in chocolate and passed out on the floor.  Chocolate has been my "best friend" for far too long.  I cannot invite it back into my life right now, or it would take over again.  lol.  i know.  I am CRAZY.  Just being really honest about how most of us girls REALLY feel about Chocolate.  Anyway.  I did enjoy one other thing this weekend that was sweet.  My grandma makes homemade Coconut Cream Pie.  And I love it.  But I might get to taste her pie once a year if that.  Today I was at my mom's and my grandma had just made one.  It was warm and gooey.  OH SWEET MERCY.  So I prayed.  And I actually felt peace about it.  So I cut off a very small sliver.  (HONESTLY!!!)  And SAVORED every HEAVENLY warm, and delicious bite.  And it was enough.  I had some protein with it so that I didn't start the sugar crash and burn cycle that I lived on for all of my adult life.  And I am ok with it.  I don't know if I will get a piece of my grandma's pie again this year.  Or ever.  But today, I am fully convinced that the fruit on the tree of Life (that we WILL get to eat from-can I get an amen?) will taste like grandma's coconut cream pie.  And maybe Chicken Parmesan.  So there you have it Jeff.  You knew there would be a post about it. :)

Am I lost? Or am I Turning North?

Amazed. Excited. Victorious. Free. All because a month ago today an acquaintance and I decided to go deeper. I had started reading "Made to Crave" and knew by the time I got past the introduction I had a problem. (CONVICTION HURTS!) And I also knew I didn't have the strength to do this alone. So I began praying. "God, help me to do this. Help me to WANT TO DO THIS! Because honestly, I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! Send me someone to walk through this journey with. To laugh, cry, and pray with." And He did. I praise you Jesus for taking a childhood friend-of a friend, and allowing us to do this together. It has been hard for both of us. But, oh the JOY. That comes from an undivided heart. From stripping away all other gods and clinging to Him alone.

One month ago today we followed Lysa's advice and stopped circling our mountain~of craving food more than God. The thing that we could not seem to get victory over in the past. I can't even begin to describe how hard this has been. I CRIED OVER SOFT PRETZELS YA'LL. MY BLOOD SUGAR WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! Yes, the first few weeks were terrible from the human standpoint. But there was an immediate strength we both felt in our spirits, an answered prayer for help from the the Lord~that when we didn't have the strength that He would carry us. And he did. It hasn't always been pretty. But we both knew we were on the right track.

In the beginning we were emailing each other several times a day. Crys for help. Prayers. Love. The interesting part was how He began using this book to show us how we had settled for less than "The Real Thing" in other areas too. This journey is not for the faint of heart dear sisters. But it is so WORTH IT. Because this issue with food and addictive eating behaviors is so much more than we could ever imagine. Think about it friends, what did Satan use to tempt Eve? Hello. Yummy FOOD! And over-and over- and over again in the Bible it warns about allowing food to be our god. Funny how I never realized how many times until I read this book. My eyes were veiled to the truth. We still have cravings for junk food and soda at times, but every day we feel a little more empowered and we do not ever want to go back into slavery.

WARNING!!!! I am going to make a bold statement here. I bet that most of us in our comfortable American culture share this issue. No matter what size we are. Someone does not need to be overweight to be unhealthy. So now I am going to ask, Would you do me a favor? Would you please pray about joining us in our journey north. I promise you won't regret it. Nothing. And I mean Nothing. Tastes as good as giving your undivided heart to Jesus feels. He is our Portion and our Strength. And I want you to experience it with us. And to my dear sweet Laura. YOU. ARE. A. GOD. SEND. Little did we know that day what we were getting into. But HE did, and he brought us together for all the right reasons. I love you gal. Keep walkin' North. Alyssa

I like older women. And blogs.

I love reading blogs...especially the blogs of other Christian Women or Ministries.  Somehow God uses their stories and experience to feed truth into my soul.  And as I thought about that today I realize that my love of blogs and blogging is based in a desire for community.  RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER WOMEN OF FAITH.  God uses these women and their blogs to encourage me to SHINE for Christ.  To learn from their experience and wisdom.  Just like in the scripture Titus 2:2-4 (New International Version)


2 Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. 3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children..."

Most of us women long for relationship with other women.  And I am in no way suggesting that blogs are a substitute for genuine relationship and accountability with other women.  But they are an encouragement, more of a supplement, than a substitute.  So while blogs are a great way to help us learn, may we join together as Godly women and embrace one another and do life together, encouraging each other and lifting one another up in prayer as often as we can.  Much love to my gals today.  You are loved.  May those of us who are older (yes I have begun to include myself in that group) follow the teaching in Titus and teach those coming after us what is good.  And there is only One I know of that is so very wonderfully good.  MY JESUS.  MY SAVIOR.  MY ALL.