There is A Monster at the End of This Book...

Lately I have felt alot like Grover, in that little book that I loved so much growing up.  I have been trying for days to figure out exactly what is going on.  Something is amiss. not quite right.    off~ spare me the joking please.  I know it is tempting but I am serious here.  And I guess the problem is I just feel kinda well-stuck. fearful.  even in a bit of a panic- just like my furry blue friend.  And I think that I am beginning to understand (at least in part) why.  This is HARD.  REALLY HARD.  But I pray by sharing that maybe it will help you in your walk, and also help me to process and continue reaching. 

So here are the symptoms of my state of being lately.  From the four areas that make up who we are as humans.

Emotionally: bored. afraid. tired of trying, apathetic, afraid, insecure, just tired of striving. other times extremely Fearful and afraid.  In short alot like GROVER.
Spiritually:  flat and somehow disconnected.  distracted. lazy and maybe even rebellious.  I DON'T WANT TO GOD!
Physically:  compromised.  Not challenged physically-NOT EXERCISING.  And also have eaten foods out of boredom (not unhealthy foods just eating for the wrong reasons).  And after reading "Made to Crave"  I know better.  CRAVE GOD-NOT FOOD.  I know this may sound crazy but at times I can't decided if I am bored with my new found freedom from food, or if I am lying to myself and flirting with the enemy.  And what I mean by that, is this.  I have began to allow myself a few things that in the past were huge triggers for me. like I had some chocolate, and I have had two diet soda's over the last week. A dessert here and there.  And even though I enjoyed them it just wasn't the same.  So am I free, or am I flirting with disaster.  QUESTIONS.  QUESTIONS.
And lastly...
Mentally:  CONFUSED.

But I believe that I may have had a bit of a break through. 
Yesterday. 
I DID NOT WANT TO EXERCISE.  AT. ALL!  But I just kept feeling like God was whispering to me, "DO IT! MOVE!"  Now this is very different from the past when my motivation was to weigh 120 lbs and fit into those tiny jeans in the VERY back of my closet.  This was more about BREAKING FREE. . . from all those emotions and the walls that seem to be surrounding me.  and OBEDIENCE.  And the interesting part is that after 25 minutes of very difficult exercise I felt so much...STRONGER.  and not just physically.  MORE ALIVE. MORE FREE.  In every area of my being.  Funny how obedience works.  Now, I know that our bodies are the temples of God.  That they are complex and that all aspects of our being are tightly woven.  our physical state effects our mental state, effects or emotional, and spiritual state.  And so on.  So moving and exercising-that began to help me ...

Then before I went to bed I felt like I was supposed to do some more reading from a book that a dear friend sent me by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity"  and when I opened it I could feel those soft-sweet- goose bumps that confirm to me that this is "A GOD THING"  I like to call them "Jesus Bumps". 
Now the hard part.  CONFESSION.  Through reading this book I have begun to realize how insecurity has played an enormous role in my life.  MY ENTIRE LIFE.  I have been CRIPPLED BY FEAR (JUST LIKE GROVER), believing LIES, begging God to please DO NOT TURN THAT PAGE...because there is a monster at the end of this book...and my monster of choice is fear of failure.  of being weighed and measured and found lacking.  I have struggled with my value ever since I can remember.  Sometimes doing VERY STUPID AND EMBARRASING THINGS just do try to find approval or cover up my insecurities.  This insecurity has many faces and forms, and sometimes lies dormant and hidden. Other times it gushes out and reveals how broken I really am.  (And dear friends we all have monsters, so I ask what are yours?)

I READ.  And READ. and then...

After praying a prayer in the middle of the book ...and crying, and praying some more...another break through.(and more tears)

The reason that I have been feeling the way that I have lately is because God is asking me to do some pretty big things for Him, that honesty- SCARE ME TO DEATH.  and I have been stalling.  compromising.  and circling around what He has ask of me to the point of disobedience.  Begging Him to please "DO NOT TURN THAT PAGE." And I have to stop.  NOW!  BUT I AM SOO AFRAID.  However.  I know that it is time.  So I am going to do it.  I am going to JUST DO IT.  MOVE. and Give it my best and trust Him to fill in where I lack.  Stop listening to the accuser, and beleiving I am not enough-or somehow too much and trust Him to cover me with strength and dignity.  Pray for me.  I'm DIVIN' IN...
to what you may ask??????? 

hmmmm.  ok.  this is really hard. and scary. and I am struggling to make myself type it out because I fallen flat on my face so many times. and because I struggle. so much. with this issue. of insecurity. (MY INNER GROVER IS TAKING OVER) but here it is. (deep breath)~women's ministry.    Wow.  now I am really scared.  HELP ME JESUS.  I am a mess, but I am your mess.  And you alone make me fully complete.  So I close with...ME?  Loveable furry old GROVER am the monster at the end of this book?  And I can SO relate to Grover~the fear, insecurity over what is coming, the sheer panic over what is on the next page...all to realize in the end that the only thing holding me back from the story that God wants to write with my life is "ME".  The monster at the end of this book.  SWEET MERCY.  I need a chocolate bar!  No, what I really need is to trust you~the author and perfector of my faith.  That what you have started in me you will complete.