Tonight is the night...

Do you ever feel conflicted?  Man I do. and lately it has been MOST OF THE TIME.  I want to be a blessing but I am weak.  I want to walk with the Lord but at times my heart simply will NOT.  Apathy and frustration glaze over the hope trying so hard to rise from my hardened heart.  I wander in the desert, wasting my time.  I stuff my feelings because life is hard.  I get tired of feeling~ I just want to be numb.  I have totally blown it in regard to all that I learned from the book Made to Crave.  I am so disappointed, and frustrated.  HOW DID I GET HERE?  I played with fire and I am still being burned.
But there is no life here in the desert of my wandering.  An Israelite in search of the Promised Land I try to get there without following him.  I wander~demanding the food I crave, putting God to the test...I have been eating food all day every day, with no real pleasure. sugar, chocolate, diet coke. all with  No satisfaction.  Like a drug addict in search of the fix that NEVER comes.  I eat.  And I hear you whispering Lord, "Are you satisfied now?  Did that work?  Have you had enough of those empty promises yet.  How long does this have to go on.  You know where to find what you are looking for.  In me alone.  Trying to fill yourself with anything else is going to leave you EMPTY. wanting more."  And yet....I eat it anyway.  And even before I swallow I feel the yearning...for more.  It just doesn't work trying to fill a spiritual hunger with a physical food.  I know what you want.  My time.  My gaze.  My heart.
And yet knowing is not enough.  Even the demons KNOW the truth.  who you are.  But they refused to allow you to be LORD.  They bowed to another.  As do I so much more often that I ever care to admit.  But praise you Jesus for never giving up on me.  for pursuing my adulterous heart.  for choosing me in spite of my sin.  I want to be dead to self and alive in you.  and yet the flesh so often wins.  But tonight Lord.  I enter into your rest.  I allow myself the time to feel the hurts, and spend time with you.  The only thing that truly satisfies.  Teach my weary heart to follow you, NO MATTER THE COST.  Help me to NEVER. EVER.. BE SATISFIED. WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN YOU.  For you ALONE are life.  Tonight, I take the time to be YOURS.  And who knows...maybe just maybe I'll find exactly what I have been looking for.  The desire to begin again.  My "WANT TO".