Tell Me How You Really Feel

I have struggled most of my life with self worth.  Believing I wasn't good for much except to mess things up.  Partly because I was born a day dreamer.  And a talker.  My problems began as soon as I started school.  And most every report card had at least one comment like...does not work to her ability.  Does not apply herself.  Doesn't pay attention. (can you say ADD?) And after hearing that for so long I guess I just began to believe that there was something wrong with me.  Like I was somehow less than others.  The truth is most of the time I was just BORED!  I loved the social aspects of school, hated the applying yourself part.  And I was a pretty strong willed child-to say the least.  These beliefs about myself were compounded by frustrated parents who just didn't know how to reach me, to get me to LISTEN.  They did their best of that I am sure. They love me with all of their heart, but what do you do with a child who you believe has so much potential and wastes it by not listening or applying herself.  (MOM & DAD I think you are great)  And I thank God everyday that somehow I managed to escaped having a kid that acted like me.  WHEW!  So anyway, after a lifetime of doubting who I am and what I can do I have begun to ask Christ to show me who I really am.  To speak truth to me in a way that I can receive.  This has been a process, but little by little...day by day, I am growing in the truth and Satan's lies hold less power on me today than yesterday, and by His grace I am inching ever closer to FREEDOM.  To being who He made me to be.  Leaning into Him to find my worth and not into others.  This morning I was praying and reading my Bible.  I closed my eyes after reading in the book of Psalms and prayed something like this..."Lord, help me to hear you when you speak.  I am really good at telling you how I feel and talking to you (at least most of the time) But I do not even really know how to listen to you.  I want to hear you God.  Speak to me.  And most of all I need to know exactly who I am in you."  So I sit and wait, and (confession) start to doze off.  I awake with my hands still placed on my Bible and look down and my eyes go straight to this verse.  Psalm 45:10-11  "Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:  Forget your people and your father's house.  The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord."   (TEARS FLOW)  wow.    In other words, ALYSSA~forget the past and what others have said about you,  Listen to ME!!!  I am ENTHRALLED by your beauty. Friends, let that soak in for just a moment...I am amazed that He loves me so.  And guess what.  He feels the same way about you today.    Kinda just makes you want to get up and dance, doesn't it. Praising with you as we BASK IN THE LIGHT OF HIS LOVE TODAY.  Alyssa Dawn

Baby, it's Cold Outside.

And to be honest it is not too warm in this big old house today either.  The wind whistling through any tiny crevice it can find to chill the occupants inside.  And I am tired.  The powerful gusts began about 2 am last night waking every member of our household that was present.  The sounds of 50 mph wind gusts hitting a great big square house with no wind break and old doors and windows can be pretty impressive.  And like the old nursery book story goes, it huffed and puffed but the praise be to God.  The Woollard House stood strong. 
 There has been alot of huffing and puffing going on lately in the lives of Christ's Church.  Some come from inward forces and other times the winds blow on us from unknown places. And though we should not be surprised, if we focus on the sound of the wind- it can seem far to powerful to withstand.  And often times it is.  At least on our own.  So, to borrow a phrase from a popular Christian worship song~ we must learn to praise him in the storm.  And know that the God of the Universe holds us in his hands.  And that these storms have a purpose in our lives.  For the Great I Am promised that anything we encounter must first go through His hands.  It must be approved by God. Not that He caused it, but He allowed it for our ultimate good.  He disciplines those He loves.   Just like we, as parents, must do the same to teach our children important lessons.  So I thank you Lord for your discipline and for the chill of howling wind.  I do not fear it.  For I know that you allowed it and I trust you.  Lift us up when we are sinking and thank you for giving us the rock upon which we can stand.  And help us to reach out to each other and bear one anothers burdens.  We were never meant to do it alone.  So yes.
Baby, it's Cold Outside.  But He makes all things new and the smoldering wick he will not snuff out.  Rise in our hearts Emanuel, and in your church.  May we burn brightly for you, ignited by the flame of the Holy Spirit, loving one another in perfect unity.  No matter the weather.  AMEN!

ABIDE

There are those who I love so very much who I know are hurting right now.  They are experiencing a season of winter.  Pain and disappointment have disillusioned them with life, at least for now.  and life is so very hard at times.  For those of you who are hurting today know YOU ARE LOVED.  We all experience these seasons of the heart and I too have tasted winter's chill.  I know how it bites and breaks.  The fear it creates.  How it's bitter cold and blasting winds threaten all warmth and love in the soul.  But praise Jesus.  I know him too, and he will get you through.  Winter is passing.  It is nearly done, and with Spring hope rises anew.  Warm yourself in his light today, and remember that there are seasons that ask questions, and seasons that answer.  And those that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.   ABIDE.

Intention. Not Mine, HIS.

As this new year began I found myself wanting to change so much that it seemed that I wanted to change pretty much everything.  My terrible eating habits (i.e. living off sugar, junk food, and diet soda), my lack of organization (my house usually looks like a bomb went off), my lack of consistency (parenting, laundry, finances), and mostly I wanted to love more.  Love GOD above all else, Love others with the love that Christ has shown me, and be intentional about it all.
Many of you may have noticed the trend in some Christian circles to pick a word, rather than a resolution to define how you want to live this year.  I gave it alot of thought and decided that resolutions just don't work for me.  I go through the year feeling somehow less because I didn't perform perfectly.  And to be honest most years I never made it past the first few days of January with my list of resolutions.  So this year, I picked a word.  That word is INTENTION.  To do everything that I do with more intention.  Not to do things half hearted but to the best of my ability.  This is where it gets interesting.  When I picked that word I thought and prayed alot about it.  And truly felt that this is what He wanted from me this year.  And I was cool with that.  And though I loved the idea of being more intentional about things around here, mostly my focus was relationships with God and others.  So hear me when I say this.  I have already found myself saying to God...(lol) "But God, this wasn't really my Intention."  How ironic.  And He answers back, "No, my child but~ it was mine." 
So today we had a lesson at our house about not doing things half way.  My children are NOT liking this new discipline.  Nobody likes to sweep a floor 3 times.  I understand that.  But this is an area (chores, and house work) where we have definitely settled.  So after working really hard today, the kitchen is much more presentable.  And my children and I are a bit confused.  They are looking at me wondering where this is all coming from.  One of my children shared this comment today with an innocent bystander, "It is weird.  Mom is like making us do all this stuff and she is not mad, but she means what she is saying."  Confession.  This is a huge area of inconsistency for me.  I tend to want to just go with the flow, be the nice mom and do things myself.  After all they are just kids and they have been at school all day.  They are tired and don't want to do all this stuff.  I don't want to do all this stuff.  So I did what HAD to be done.  Fix supper, often leaving the dirty dishes till tomorrow, putting off the mountain of laundry screaming my name, and just doing the bare minimum.  you know.  Just enough that if someone came to the door they would not think they just walked into Rumpke land fill. 
So long story short.  We are all a little off balance.  God is stretching us.  And it is not very comfortable.  But at the end of the day, I hope my children know that these new disciplines are based in love and we will be intentionally consistent in how our house is run on a day to day basis.  Not quite what I had in mind, but this isn't my life I am trying to live.  It is HIS.  Prayers to you.  Alyssa

What do You hook your happy to?

It has been such an interesting time here at the Woollard House.  CRAZY, but interesting.  God is leading and we are trying to follow, though imperfectly~we are trying.  Brian has been on third shift for about 3 weeks and it has been very difficult.  He is not sleeping well and is struggling with that on an hourly basis.  The rest of us have had to pretty much take the attitude, that life must go on.  Make our plans, do the best we can, and if dad can participate great, if not...well, that is ok too.  Not what we would choose-but ok.  Saying it is soo much easier than doing it. 
The first two weeks were really hard on me as far as getting used to sleeping alone.  I realized that I have really not slept alone "all night" for an extended period of time since my baby sister began sleeping with me when I was about 8 or 9. 
Bless her heart.  I did not like it so much then, but realize now that I do not like to sleep alone.  But God is so very faithful. 

Brian and I both feel that God is using this time to teach us how to be more completely HIS.  That is the lesson for us right now.  to live, breathe, and abide in HIM.  So now we sleep with our Bibles instead of each other, and ask God to hold us in His arms when we are missing the others.  And lean heavily upon our Savior to get us through each passing day.  It is hard, but it is beautiful.  I read once that God will sometimes strip away every comfort from our hearts in an attempt to pull us to himself so that He can be our comfort.  I think that this is a weaning process.  Just like we wean a child from their dependency upon us, God weans us from our dependencies in the world.  Whether person, place, or thing...until we are completely dependant upon Him.  If we will allow him.  He wants us to hook our happy to him.  To not allow the things of this world to creep in and steal our joy, peace, and love.  I do not always like how it feels to allow myself to be weaned from my dependency upon Brian, or Sugary Sweet Chocolate, or Diet Coke.  But I love the PEACE he gives when I bring it to him and ask him to be my everything.  Praying you will find the grace to do the same  tonight dear friends.  Of all the things we could do for God, he wants our hearts the most.   

Simple Prayer from a NOT so simple Girl

So many things I want to change. So much I want to be. But at the end of the day I am left with just ME. Help me Jesus to know and see the difference between not accepting how you created me, and striving to be all that I was created to be. These lines are very blurred and grey. Make me fully ALIVE in you. Help me to trust you ALL OF THE TIME. Like Paul I do the things I wish I did not and strive to do the things I cannot. FRUSTRATING this human condition. Bless me with wisdom. In 2011 may it be all about YOU and not about ME. Yes, I am creative, sometimes fun, and often undone. At times I do not like this mess that I am, at other times I recognize I was created by the masters hand-that this same messiness makes me fully dependent upon you and is therefore LIFE to me. Help me to know deep in my being how Captivating you find me Lord. So that I can truly accept myself, and others-just the way we are. That you do not merely tolerate me but are enchanted with me. A woman's heart is deep treacherous waters that only you can fully comprehend. Our desire to be noticed and pursued, reflect the heart of our God. For you call out to us through your beauty. The earth and all that is in it are your beautiful creation, help me to see myself as part of that work and at the end of the day to know that what you created was good. I am definitely a Mary in a Martha world. I am a feeler, I am alive. Imperfectly feeling my way through this crazy life until I can rest fully in your arms for eternity. Thanks to you dear Jesus- the lover of my soul, who has never...will never, leave or forsake me. I love you. And it is in your most precious holy name I pray. Amen.




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It's a new year....

So many things I want to change.  So much I want to be.  But at the end of the day I am left with just ME.  Help me Jesus to know and see the difference between not accepting how you created me, and striving to be all that I was created to be.  These lines are very blurred and grey.  Make me fully ALIVE in you.  Help me to trust you ALL OF THE TIME.  Like Paul I do the things I wish I did not and strive to do the things I cannot.  FRUSTRATING this human condition.  Bless me with wisdom.  In 2011 may it be all about YOU and not about ME.