a season of silence has overtaken my heart.
no words flowing. just stillness....
Quiet stillness~rest falls.
a moment...
these precious moments.
fleeting as they are, become a life song...
may mine sing but one.
HOLY HOLY HOLY is the Lamb
that was. and is. and is to come.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
He loves me anyway....it's like NOTHIN' in life that I've ever known.
On the surface...Things feel so out of control right now. Building up. too much of everything pressing in on me. Too much laundry, too much messiness, too much to do on our house, too many unexpected bills, and add in our laptop being stolen and it would be so easy to just shut down. I feel so COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED! But deep inside below the storms that are raging from every direction, there is peace. I am tempted to allow the winds and waves to RIP me to shreds, but praise Jesus...the anchor holds.
I pray that whoever stole our laptop returns it. But even more I pray that they will find the Sidewalk Prophets CD in the pocket that I just purchased at winterjam 2 days ago. That they will listen to it and feel God's love and turn from their sin. My favorite song from that CD says..." I am the thorn on your brow, but you love me anyway, I am Judas's kiss. But you love me anyway, I am the nail in your wrist, but you love me anyway..." And this song has played relentlessly through my head since last night.
I had been praying lately that God would show me exactly how he feels about me. I believe this song is part of his message to me. And today I felt God's love through my husband's loving response to my tears. There was no anger, no condemnation, just love. And after being up all night he went with me to add info to the police report and close all accounts and change info at the bank. And in spite of the mess that my carelessness made. He loves me anyway. in spite of my messiness. in spite of my forgetfulness. And today when he looked at me with love in his eyes I swear I felt Jesus in his eyes searching me and loving and accepting me in my brokenness saying, " See Alyssa. I LOVE YOU ANYWAY. You do not have to be perfect for me. I love you. not for who you are or what you have done but simply because you are."
And that is enough. Praying we will all begin to realize how precious we are to our creator. every moment of every day. Until next time....ABIDE.
I pray that whoever stole our laptop returns it. But even more I pray that they will find the Sidewalk Prophets CD in the pocket that I just purchased at winterjam 2 days ago. That they will listen to it and feel God's love and turn from their sin. My favorite song from that CD says..." I am the thorn on your brow, but you love me anyway, I am Judas's kiss. But you love me anyway, I am the nail in your wrist, but you love me anyway..." And this song has played relentlessly through my head since last night.
I had been praying lately that God would show me exactly how he feels about me. I believe this song is part of his message to me. And today I felt God's love through my husband's loving response to my tears. There was no anger, no condemnation, just love. And after being up all night he went with me to add info to the police report and close all accounts and change info at the bank. And in spite of the mess that my carelessness made. He loves me anyway. in spite of my messiness. in spite of my forgetfulness. And today when he looked at me with love in his eyes I swear I felt Jesus in his eyes searching me and loving and accepting me in my brokenness saying, " See Alyssa. I LOVE YOU ANYWAY. You do not have to be perfect for me. I love you. not for who you are or what you have done but simply because you are."
And that is enough. Praying we will all begin to realize how precious we are to our creator. every moment of every day. Until next time....ABIDE.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tonight is the night...
Do you ever feel conflicted? Man I do. and lately it has been MOST OF THE TIME. I want to be a blessing but I am weak. I want to walk with the Lord but at times my heart simply will NOT. Apathy and frustration glaze over the hope trying so hard to rise from my hardened heart. I wander in the desert, wasting my time. I stuff my feelings because life is hard. I get tired of feeling~ I just want to be numb. I have totally blown it in regard to all that I learned from the book Made to Crave. I am so disappointed, and frustrated. HOW DID I GET HERE? I played with fire and I am still being burned.
But there is no life here in the desert of my wandering. An Israelite in search of the Promised Land I try to get there without following him. I wander~demanding the food I crave, putting God to the test...I have been eating food all day every day, with no real pleasure. sugar, chocolate, diet coke. all with No satisfaction. Like a drug addict in search of the fix that NEVER comes. I eat. And I hear you whispering Lord, "Are you satisfied now? Did that work? Have you had enough of those empty promises yet. How long does this have to go on. You know where to find what you are looking for. In me alone. Trying to fill yourself with anything else is going to leave you EMPTY. wanting more." And yet....I eat it anyway. And even before I swallow I feel the yearning...for more. It just doesn't work trying to fill a spiritual hunger with a physical food. I know what you want. My time. My gaze. My heart.
And yet knowing is not enough. Even the demons KNOW the truth. who you are. But they refused to allow you to be LORD. They bowed to another. As do I so much more often that I ever care to admit. But praise you Jesus for never giving up on me. for pursuing my adulterous heart. for choosing me in spite of my sin. I want to be dead to self and alive in you. and yet the flesh so often wins. But tonight Lord. I enter into your rest. I allow myself the time to feel the hurts, and spend time with you. The only thing that truly satisfies. Teach my weary heart to follow you, NO MATTER THE COST. Help me to NEVER. EVER.. BE SATISFIED. WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN YOU. For you ALONE are life. Tonight, I take the time to be YOURS. And who knows...maybe just maybe I'll find exactly what I have been looking for. The desire to begin again. My "WANT TO".
But there is no life here in the desert of my wandering. An Israelite in search of the Promised Land I try to get there without following him. I wander~demanding the food I crave, putting God to the test...I have been eating food all day every day, with no real pleasure. sugar, chocolate, diet coke. all with No satisfaction. Like a drug addict in search of the fix that NEVER comes. I eat. And I hear you whispering Lord, "Are you satisfied now? Did that work? Have you had enough of those empty promises yet. How long does this have to go on. You know where to find what you are looking for. In me alone. Trying to fill yourself with anything else is going to leave you EMPTY. wanting more." And yet....I eat it anyway. And even before I swallow I feel the yearning...for more. It just doesn't work trying to fill a spiritual hunger with a physical food. I know what you want. My time. My gaze. My heart.
And yet knowing is not enough. Even the demons KNOW the truth. who you are. But they refused to allow you to be LORD. They bowed to another. As do I so much more often that I ever care to admit. But praise you Jesus for never giving up on me. for pursuing my adulterous heart. for choosing me in spite of my sin. I want to be dead to self and alive in you. and yet the flesh so often wins. But tonight Lord. I enter into your rest. I allow myself the time to feel the hurts, and spend time with you. The only thing that truly satisfies. Teach my weary heart to follow you, NO MATTER THE COST. Help me to NEVER. EVER.. BE SATISFIED. WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN YOU. For you ALONE are life. Tonight, I take the time to be YOURS. And who knows...maybe just maybe I'll find exactly what I have been looking for. The desire to begin again. My "WANT TO".
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Moments.
Tonight I am THANKFUL Lord.
For dirty dishes in the sink that proves my family is not hungry.
For children who cleaned the house while I fixed supper.
For the hot shower that soothed me to the core.
For the jog that purged all my anxiety as I sang and worshipped while I ran.
For hair to braid on my baby girl. For a husband who left for work when the kids were going to bed. And who will be at work until I am ready for lunch tomorrow.
For moments. With those I love. With You now. I am blessed. I am thankful. I am fully alive. In this moment. Help me Lord to keep these eyes wide open. to embrace each moment as a gift. even the laundry. that I promised my girl I would do before going to bed tonight so that she could wear the "matching outfit" of her best friend. Thank You Lord Jesus. Amen.
For dirty dishes in the sink that proves my family is not hungry.
For children who cleaned the house while I fixed supper.
For the hot shower that soothed me to the core.
For the jog that purged all my anxiety as I sang and worshipped while I ran.
For hair to braid on my baby girl. For a husband who left for work when the kids were going to bed. And who will be at work until I am ready for lunch tomorrow.
For moments. With those I love. With You now. I am blessed. I am thankful. I am fully alive. In this moment. Help me Lord to keep these eyes wide open. to embrace each moment as a gift. even the laundry. that I promised my girl I would do before going to bed tonight so that she could wear the "matching outfit" of her best friend. Thank You Lord Jesus. Amen.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
SHE SPEAKS!!!!!!
"She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue." Proverbs 31:26
Those of you who follow my blog know that I have felt the Lord leading me towards women's ministry for a while now. If you are in my Small Group you know it has been a journey that I have been VERY reluctant to take. But God is faithful. And thankfully ~extremely patient. So I have decided to begin this journey into the unknown with a LEAP OF FAITH. No better way to start than by DIVING IN! Right? And I think the best way to explain this "LEAP" is to copy a letter provided by Proverbs 31 Ministries. The following is an exerpt from that letter. Explaining the "She Speaks" conference that I... registered for today!!!!!
The She Speaks Conference is a life-changing conference for women seeking to step out in the passion God has placed on their heart. Hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries (501(c)3), She Speaks encourages and equips women to make the most of their messages, communicating God's Word. There are three different tracks that a woman may choose from. I chose the following:
She Leads: (Women's Ministry Track) This track is specifically designed for women's ministry directors and facilitators. Included are creative ways to reach her community with the life-transforming hope of Jesus,organize small groups, select a team of volunteers, plan successful events, and network with other directors.
The Lord has laid it on my heart to attend She Speaks in July 2011. My first step is to raise funds. Will you prayfully consider partnering with me through a financial contribution towards a scholarship?
As you feel led to join me in this exciting call, there are two ways to participate. Call Proverbs 31 Ministries at 877-731-4663 to contribute by credit card; or send a check payable to Proverbs 31 Ministries to:
Proverbs 31 Ministries
She Speaks Scholarship/Your name {i.e. scholarship recipient}
616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road
Matthews, NC 28105
Please be sure to designate the scholarship in my name in order to credit my scholarship fund. You will be receipted for your tax-deductible donation. For more information: http://www.shespeaksconference.com/.
Thank you for your prayers and support. All registration dues must be paid in full by June 1, 2011.
And so there it is. If you feel led to help me get to North Carolina in July, I would greatly appreciate it. If you feel led to pray. PLEASE DO! Thanks to everyone who has been such an encouragement to me. I can't wait to see what GOD is going to do through this-jar of clay, By his Spirit. and through his people. I am praying that God will move in the women of GCC and that we will grow in relationship with him and each other in the very near future.http://shespeaksconference.com/
Those of you who follow my blog know that I have felt the Lord leading me towards women's ministry for a while now. If you are in my Small Group you know it has been a journey that I have been VERY reluctant to take. But God is faithful. And thankfully ~extremely patient. So I have decided to begin this journey into the unknown with a LEAP OF FAITH. No better way to start than by DIVING IN! Right? And I think the best way to explain this "LEAP" is to copy a letter provided by Proverbs 31 Ministries. The following is an exerpt from that letter. Explaining the "She Speaks" conference that I... registered for today!!!!!
The She Speaks Conference is a life-changing conference for women seeking to step out in the passion God has placed on their heart. Hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries (501(c)3), She Speaks encourages and equips women to make the most of their messages, communicating God's Word. There are three different tracks that a woman may choose from. I chose the following:
She Leads: (Women's Ministry Track) This track is specifically designed for women's ministry directors and facilitators. Included are creative ways to reach her community with the life-transforming hope of Jesus,organize small groups, select a team of volunteers, plan successful events, and network with other directors.
The Lord has laid it on my heart to attend She Speaks in July 2011. My first step is to raise funds. Will you prayfully consider partnering with me through a financial contribution towards a scholarship?
As you feel led to join me in this exciting call, there are two ways to participate. Call Proverbs 31 Ministries at 877-731-4663 to contribute by credit card; or send a check payable to Proverbs 31 Ministries to:
Proverbs 31 Ministries
She Speaks Scholarship/Your name {i.e. scholarship recipient}
616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road
Matthews, NC 28105
Please be sure to designate the scholarship in my name in order to credit my scholarship fund. You will be receipted for your tax-deductible donation. For more information: http://www.shespeaksconference.com/.
Thank you for your prayers and support. All registration dues must be paid in full by June 1, 2011.
And so there it is. If you feel led to help me get to North Carolina in July, I would greatly appreciate it. If you feel led to pray. PLEASE DO! Thanks to everyone who has been such an encouragement to me. I can't wait to see what GOD is going to do through this-jar of clay, By his Spirit. and through his people. I am praying that God will move in the women of GCC and that we will grow in relationship with him and each other in the very near future.http://shespeaksconference.com/
Friday, March 11, 2011
She is On a ROLL!!!!!
Yesterday I dropped two wooden T.V. trays on my feet and hurt them both. One of them is just bruised on top. The other one feels like I may have injured my BIG TOE a little more seriously. I cried because it hurt so bad.. But I am sure that it probably would have looked funny if anyone had seen it. Today I was rushing to get cleaned up after baking and decorating my daughters "Jesse" birthday cake and sprayed LYSOL on my hair. Don't judge...the cans look very similar. But I have also been on a roll in another way lately...I have been doing terrible with my eating. TERRIBLE. I am going to have to go through sugar with drawls AGAIN after this week. I let the storm of stress, emotions, and hormones get the best of me. WHERE IS MY VICTORY NOW???? Well, I know it is still where it always was, in Jesus alone. I just have to go and get it. SOON! While I am at it I might need to pick up some more hairspray. We are out. Now just to make the time~for both. In the mean time, I'll be the one walking funny, shoveling food she is NOT hungry for into her mouth, all the while with Lysol on my hair. (sigh) On a more positive Note...Happy Birthday Grace. You are 11 now, and I love you soo much.
Monday, March 7, 2011
without a potter, clay is just dirt.
why do I try to carry these burdens alone. why do I fight. and struggle to make my heart your home. Is it supposed to be this hard? As much as I hate to admit it sometimes it is. I need space to breathe in your spirit and my schedule. my heart. won't permit it. And sometimes when I sit in your presence my thoughts are fragmented and chaotic. Calm the Storm inside my mind. Fill my heart with joy divine. The flesh and the spirit are at war. And there are battles that I lose. DAILY! But praise God I know I have the VICTORY. Today I feel tired. anxious. overwhelmed. Trying to carry burdens that are too much for me. ALONE. I need you Jesus to shine into this darkness and open up my heart. For your yoke is easy and your burden is light.
But this much I have learned. That first the cup of my soul must be emptied, poured out. ALL OF IT! I often pray. "Take all of it Lord. I don't want it anymore. It is too hard. It hurts too much." and though painful. The surrender of control. of feelings. Peace follows. Sometimes the joy just flows, other times I am stuck between what I want and who I am. Today i needed to let go. OVERWHELM ME WITH YOUR GRACE> IN THE FACE OF MY INADEQUACY... without the potter clay is just dirt. Fill this vessel of clay with the inexpressible joy of the great gift of God.
But this much I have learned. That first the cup of my soul must be emptied, poured out. ALL OF IT! I often pray. "Take all of it Lord. I don't want it anymore. It is too hard. It hurts too much." and though painful. The surrender of control. of feelings. Peace follows. Sometimes the joy just flows, other times I am stuck between what I want and who I am. Today i needed to let go. OVERWHELM ME WITH YOUR GRACE> IN THE FACE OF MY INADEQUACY... without the potter clay is just dirt. Fill this vessel of clay with the inexpressible joy of the great gift of God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)