Every time I think I KNOW, something happens ~then DOUBT.
One day I am on top of the world, the next I sit and POUT.
I am NOT who I want to be. Everything inside me ACHES to be MORE.
TELL ME JESUS, WHAT I AM CREATED FOR?!?!?!
Who am I that you are mindful of me? What? can this. small. self centered. speck of time. and dust. offer an infinite and HOLY GOD!!!! AND WHY? Is dying to self such a moment by moment endeavor? And how- many- times- do I have to repeat lessons until I finally learn from them?
I ACHE FOR YOU JESUS. THE LOVER OF MY SOUL. MY SOUL PANTS FOR YOU, ALL THE WHILE ...I RUN AWAY. The flesh and the spirit are perpetually at war. But I know what it feels like to WALK IN YOUR PRESENCE. TO FEEL THE WARMING CHILL FLOW THROUGH ME AS YOU FILL ME WITH YOUR SPIRIT. AND NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD WILL DO.
BUT YOU. then-
I mess up. I get lazy. I get scared. I fall down. i take my eyes off you. and what seemed a promise becomes impossible. wait a minute Alyssa...PAUSE. listen. TRUTH SPEAKS...apart from ME you can do nothing.
Sweet Lord, I do not want to do anything apart from you. teach me how to walk with you every. second. of every. day. YOUR LOVE IS A CONSUMING FIRE THAT I WANT TO ENGULF ME UNTIL ALL THAT IS LEFT IS YOU.
My ways are not your ways. I am like an ant, busily going about the things of life, unable to even begin to comprehend who you are. MY SWEET SAVIOR. who was -and is- and is to come. Help me to TRUST you and hear you above the static of this world. above THE LIES OF THE deceiver...whispered soft and sweet. promising such seductive-ETERNAL DEATH.
I love you Lord, you have taken me in. Everything I am is yours, and in the moments that my flesh denies me the ecstasy of your peace, and I deny you instead of myself...pursue me, as you have all of my life. Until I am safe.
with you.
forever.
in paradise.
I will love you forever. Your Unfaithful Bride.
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1 comment:
I still have glory bumps up and down. And tears.
Your honesty is beautiful - your confession an incense of worship to the Lord.
This verse comes to mind:
For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. Psalm 51: 16 & 17
And as Aron always quotes to me frpm Isaiah:
"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."
The passage goes on to say that the Israelites would have none of it...but that is not you. You are choosing repentance and rest, and there your salvation and strength lies.
You are so loved and so very special.
And He sees you sparkling white -
Because He does not look at you clothed in your inadequacies, but instead you are covered by the righteousness of Christ.
Rest in his grace tonight.
And abide in his love.
Walking this road of abiding with you,
e
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